"Self-Compassion In Relation to Compassion for Others"

            For the past month, we have been exploring self-compassion in a series of proclamations, entitled “Self-Compassion, An Overlooked Christian Virtue.”  Recently, there has been a virtual deluge of books promoting self-compassion.  One of these new books, Self-Compassion, The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Dr. Kristin Neff,[i] has served as an inspiration and guide for me as I developed this sermon series.  This Sunday. September 11th, we will explore the relationship between self-compassion and compassion for others.   

            The foundational text for our exploration of compassion and self-compassion is Christ’s well-known parable of “The Good Samaritan” in Luke 10:  25-37.  This text describes an exchange between Jesus and a scribe, or lawyer.  In the early part of this passage, Jesus and the lawyer discuss what one must do to inherit eternal life.  Through a question-and-answer format, they conclude that to inherit eternal life, one must “love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.”  (Luke 10:  27) 

              However, for our purposes this weekend, the most important portion of this scripture comes next, when the lawyer asks Christ:  “And, who is my neighbor?”  This question was highly charged in the very regimented society of first century Israel.  In Jesus’ society, as in many societies across history, there were clear boundaries which separated people into different groups, with specific rules about how persons were to treat each other.  For instance, there were divisions between men and women, Jews and Gentiles, etc. 

            It is at this point in the debate that Jesus tells the story of the Good Samaritan.  The parable is his answer to the lawyer’s challenge. Jesus begins the parable with the words:  “A man was going from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell into the hands of robbers, who stripped him, beat him, and went away, leaving him half dead.”  The road from Jerusalem to Jericho was very steep, descending nearly 3300 feet over 17 miles.  It winds through many narrow passes, providing excellent locations for bandits to lie in wait of travelers.  Notice that Jesus provides no details about the man who was beaten and robbed.  Based upon Jesus’ description, the man cannot be classified or categorized in any way.  He is simply a human person in need of assistance. 

            Almost immediately after the attack, there is a ray of hope for the victimized man, a priest is also traveling along the road.  Yet, instead of stopping to help the victim, he passes by on the other side.  Similarly, a Levite passes by without offering assistance.  Within Jewish society, both the priest and the Levite were highly respected persons.  Yet, neither offers the victim any help.  At this point, the parable has reached its climax.  We know that a third person will see the victim and this third person will break the pattern by stopping to help the beaten man.  Undoubtedly, Jesus’ listeners would have expected that this third person will be a very faithful, devout Jew. 

            Yet, Jesus has a surprise for his listeners.  The third person is not a kind, faithful Jew.  Instead, he is a despised and hated Samaritan.  Although both Jews and Samaritans shared a similar faith and similar sacred texts, they disagreed bitterly over how to interpret God’s Holy Word and the implications of that interpretation for how they lived their lives.  For the Samaritans, Mt. Gerizim should be the center of worship, whereas for the Jews the center of worship was the Temple in Jerusalem.  The animosity between Jews and Samaritans was so great that Jews avoided all social contact with Samaritans out of fear that they would become ritually impure.   

            Of course, the man lying in the ditch couldn’t care less about ritual purity.  He is in desperate need of help.  When the Samaritan sees the beaten man, he is moved by pity and compassion.  He stops and offers first aid to the beaten man.  Then, the Samaritan gets the broken man up on his own animal and gets him to an inn where he can rest and recuperate.  The Samaritan even pays the innkeeper to care for the victim. 

            At this point, Jesus asks the lawyer, “Which of the three, do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of the robbers?”  Still repulsed by the thought of a Samaritan being the hero in the parable, he can only respond:  “The one who showed him compassion.”[ii] 

            This parable is very rich.  It is like a diamond, with many different facets.  However, for our purposes this week, I would like us to focus on a dimension related to our exploration of self-compassion.  We can frame this dimension by asking a question:  “Why did the Samaritan man have compassion on the wounded victim, when the priest and Levite passed by on the other side?”  Afterall, both the priest and Levite were supposed to be men of devout faith and high moral character. 

            It is at this point that research by Dr. Kirstin Neff into self-compassion may prove illuminating in our exploration of the relationship between self-compassion and compassion for others.   

            Dr. Neff is clear that a person can be very compassionate, regardless of whether or not he is self-compassionate to himself.  She writes, “In other research, my colleagues and I have found that self-compassionate people score no higher on general measures of compassionate love, empathy, or altruism—which tap into concern for others’ well-being—than those who lack self-compassion.”[iii]  However, she suggests that having self-compassion for ourselves may help us to cultivate the capacity of compassion for others. 

            As we have already seen in this study of self-compassion, there are certain skills that we can develop in order to promote self-compassion.  These skills of self-compassion can also be important resources for increasing our capacity for compassion of others.   

For instance, one of the three core components of self-compassion is the ability to recognize and acknowledge that we are not the only ones who experience failures, disappointments, and setbacks.  Instead, these negative outcomes are simply part of the shared common human experience.  None of us is perfect; none of us always succeeds at everything we do.   

As Neff observes, “Rather than merely focusing on our own point of view in painful situations…we take the perspective of an ‘other’ toward ourselves.  We respond with kindness and concern to our own human limitations, just as a kind friend or loving parent would.  By seeing our flawed self from an outsider’s perspective, self-compassion allows us to stop judging ourselves so harshly.”[iv] 

But, the ability to take this “outsider’s perspective” to view our own failures and misfortunes also builds our ability to empathize with others.  As Neff continues, “‘Before criticizing somebody, I try to imagine how I would feel if I were in their place.’  By its very nature compassion is relational, stepping back and forth between various perspectives to see the mutuality of the human condition.”[v]  

Similarly, cultivating the capacity for self-kindness, which enhances self-compassion, can also be very important in being kind and compassionate toward others.  And, developing the ability to forgive ourselves strengthens our ability to forgive others.   

Kirstin Neff nicely summarizes this relationship between self-compassion and compassion for others, when she writes:  “Compassion engages our capacity for love, wisdom, and generosity.  …By being more understanding and accepting toward ourselves, we can also be more understanding and accepting toward others.  By honoring the limitations of our own human imperfection, we can be more forgiving of others’ mistakes.”[vi] 

Returning to Christ’s parable of the Good Samaritan, could it be that the Samaritan felt deep compassion towards the bloodied man in the road because he was self-compassionate towards himself?  Whereas, the priest and the Levite did not exhibit compassion and kindness because they were overly active in their criticism of themselves and had stifled their own self-compassion?  Jesus does not provide any clues in his parable.  Yet, these findings by Neff do reiterate once again that in order to love God, our neighbor, and Creation, we must also develop the resources of self-compassion for ourselves.

If you live in the Lincoln, Nebraska area, come, join us this Sunday, September 11th, at Christ United Methodist Church, as we continue our exploration of self-compassion as a Christian virtue; this Sunday exploring the relationship between self-compassion and compassion for others.  Our church is located at 4530 A Street in Lincoln, and our traditional worship services are at 8:30 and 11:00 on Sunday mornings. 

                            Everyone is welcome and accepted because God loves us all

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[i] Kirstin Neff, Self-Compassion, The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (New York:  William Morro, An Imprint of HarperCollins Publishers, 2011).

[ii]This exegetical material on Luke 10: 25-37 is taken from an earlier blog post on the same Biblical passage.  See “Who Is Our Neighbor?” 1 August 2015.

[iii] Neff, 188.

[iv] Neff, 191.

[v] Ibid., Emphasis added.

[vi] Neff, 201.