This Sunday, August 21st, we begin a
new five-week sermon series, entitled:
“Self-Compassion, An Overlooked Christian
Value.” One of the inspirations for
this series, as well as a guide in developing the series, is the book,
Self-Compassion, The Proven Power of Being
Kind to Yourself, by Dr. Kristin Neff.
[1]
We begin this series with a simple
question, “Why Self-Compassion?” That
is, “Why Is Self-Compassion Important, from a Christian perspective?” In her study, Kirstin Neff begins by
observing that most of us constantly subject ourselves to some of the harshest
self-criticism. She writes,
Most of our self-critical thoughts take the form of an inner
dialogue, a constant commentary and evaluation of what we are
experiencing.
Because there is no social
censure when our inner dialogue is harsh or callous, we often talk to ourselves
in an especially brutal way.
‘You’re so
fat and disgusting!’
‘That was a totally
stupid thing to say.’
‘You’re such a
loser.
No wonder nobody wants you.’
[2]
In my own
pastoral ministry, counselling many different parishioners, I have seen Dr.
Neff’s observation repeated again and again.
Many within our society are especially hard on themselves, and the
person they frequently have the most trouble forgiving is themselves.
Dr. Neff suggests that there are
several reasons for this very harsh self-criticism—and, sometimes self-loathing:
1.
Self-criticism is a primitive,
innate behavior which helps us fit into the hierarchical
social structure necessary for survival.
Further, self-criticism allows us to preempt
hostile criticism of ourselves by acknowledging and accepting our
deficiencies.
Dr. Neff writes, “It’s as
if we’re saying…I recognize how flawed and imperfect I am so you don’t have to
cut me down and tell what I already know.
Hopefully you will then have sympathy for me instead of judging me and
assure me that I’m not as bad as I think I am.’”
[3]
2.
Harsh self-criticism may also result from holding ourselves to
impossibly high standards, so that nothing we accomplish is ever satisfactory.
These high expectations may be rooted in
feelings of supremacy.
Neff observes, “We
are sending the message that normally we are very much above the average in our
success, and that ‘good’ just isn’t good enough for someone so used to
excellence.”
[4] Similarly, in my own life, I have often times
been extremely harsh with myself in an effort to drive myself to strive for
greater and greater achievement in the endeavor.
That is, I use “good” as a motivation to
strive towards becoming “very good” or “great” in the future.
3.
The tendency to become our own harshest critics has been frequently
inculcated by our parents or other family and close friends.
Kirstin Neff suggests that families “…use
harsh criticism as a means to keep their kids out of trouble…or to improve their
behavior…People deeply internalize [these] criticisms…”.
[5]
4.
The broader culture also encourages us to criticize ourselves and feel
worthless. Advertisers, especially, know
how to exploit our feelings of inadequacy, so that we will buy their products,
even if we don’t need them. All around
us, there are forces encouraging us to be harshly self-critical of
ourselves.
Dr. Neff proposes a heightened self-compassion
as the antidote to this harsh self-criticism and sometimes self-loathing to which
many of us subject ourselves:
So
what’s the answer?
To stop judging and evaluating ourselves altogether. To stop trying to label ourselves as ‘good’
or ‘bad’ and simply accept ourselves with an open heart.
To treat ourselves with the same kindness,
caring, and compassion we would show to a good friend, or even a stranger for
that matter.
[6]
Kirstin
Neff acknowledges that many people may initially feel resistant to the idea of
self-compassion, seeing it as an excuse or a form of self-pity or a form of
self-indulgence.
[7] On the contrary, she counters that
self-compassion is actually a form of healing and self-care that begins by
recognizing our own suffering which is caused by this never-ending, harsh
criticism and self-loathing.
At this point, I should stop and
acknowledge that for many Christians Dr. Neff’s proposal may appear to run
counter to Christian teachings about how Christ calls us to live
faithfully. There is a tradition of
monastic self-denial, sometimes punctuated with self-flagellation, which runs
like a bright red thread through Christian history and tradition. Further, there is this teaching from Jesus on
the cost of discipleship, which is contained in the three synoptic
gospels. Here, I quote the Gospel of
Luke:
23 Then he said to them all, ‘If any want to become
my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow
me. 24For those who
want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake
will save it. 25What
does it profit them if they gain the whole world, but lose or forfeit
themselves? (Luke 9: 23-25)
At
first blush, it does appear as though Jesus is suggesting that we must abandon
all efforts at self-compassion, if we are to faithfully follow him. However, in my proclamation on August 21st, I
will suggest that self-compassion is not mutually exclusive with the demands of
discipleship that Jesus outlines for his followers. Let’s take a closer look at the three demands
of discipleship:
a, “let them deny themselves and take up their
cross daily and follow me.” In
the first place, denial and self-compassion are not opposites, here. In my reflections on Sunday, I will suggest
that sometimes self-denial and self-compassion may work hand-in-hand. As an illustration, consider someone who has
been told by their doctor that they are overweight and that this may seriously
impact their future health. Suppose also
that this patient takes their physician’s admonitions very seriously. They begin to diet, a form of
self-denial. They also employ a physical
trainer who puts them through rigorous work-outs which leave them exhausted and
sore. Given their health diagnosis, we
would all agree that these forms of self-denial were actually the most
self-compassionate thing they could do for themselves.
Further, Jesus' admonition to “take up
their cross daily” does not necessarily mean that all Christians are required
to be crucified, although there have been martyrs for the faith, both
historically and in the present.
Instead, “to take up your cross daily” means to faithfully follow Jesus daily.
The biblical scholar Alan Culpepper argues
that the Greek grammar of this verse suggests that “Jesus emphasizes not
readiness to die with Jesus in the hour of persecution, but rather that
discipleship requires a continuing, daily yielding of one’s life to the call to
follow Jesus.”
[8]
b. “those who want to save their life will lose
it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it.” In this demand, Jesus is not placing
self-compassion in opposition to discipleship.
Instead, he is arguing that true self-fulfillment and happiness can only
be found in investing our lives in something greater than ourselves; for
Christians that means investing our lives in following Christ. Here, it is important to remember that
Christians invest their lives in following Christ in response to God’s love for
us. Through the life, ministry, death,
and resurrection of Christ, we know that God’s love is always reaching out to
us, seeking us, calling us to enter into a relationship with God which is
defined by Divine Love. We have come to
understand that God’s love is awesome; literally beyond our comprehension. And so, in response to this Divine love, we
respond in a four way love: We love the
Divine; we love other persons; we love all of Creation; and, indeed, we love
ourselves because of this Divine Love.
So, rather than being at opposites, self-compassion is consistent with
the response of discipleship.
c. “What does it profit them if they gain the
whole world, but lose or forfeit themselves?” In this saying, Jesus moves into the world of
the marketplace.
Again, biblical scholar
Culpepper, “In a materialist culture we are easily seduced by the assumption that
security and fulfillment are achieved by means of financial prosperity.
…This saying reminds us that there are
dimensions of life vital to fulfillment and happiness that are not satisfied by
financial security or material wealth.
The implication left unstated is that each person should seek those
things that bring true fulfillment.”
[9] Once again, self-compassion should be viewed
as an essential component to true self-fulfillment.
To summarize, self-compassion is not
necessarily contradictory to faith and the Christian lifestyle. On the contrary, what I intend to develop over
the next five weeks is that self-compassion is actually a Christian virtue;
howbeit, an overlooked virtue.
If you live in the Lincoln, Nebraska area, come, join us this Sunday,
August 21st, at Christ United Methodist Church, as we embark upon a five-week
study of self-compassion and Christian virtue.
Our classic worship services are at 8:30 and 11:00 on Sunday mornings.
Everyone is welcome and accepted because
God loves us all.
[1] Kirstin Neff, Self-Compassion,
The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (New York: William Morro, An Imprint of HarperCollins Publishers,
2011).
[8] R. Alan Culpepper, Commentary on the Gospel of Luke in
the New Interpreter’s Bible, vol 9,
(Nashville, Abingdon Press, 2002), CD-ROM Edition.
